Near Perfect Attendance

After the service a young couple talked to a church member about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, and he asked what church he was transferring from.

After a short hesitation, he replied,"I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

There is the story of a preacher who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."



You might be preacher if...

1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.

2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.

3. You've wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.

4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.

5. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you are preaching on Sunday.

6. A church picnic is no picnic.

7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.

8. You drive a Buick with more than 100,000 miles on it.

9. People sleep while you're talking.

10. It's Sunday, but Monday's coming.

11. You feel guilty when you go fishing.

12. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."

13. You've been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.

14. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.

15. You'd rather talk to people with their heads bowed and every eye closed.

16. You've ever wanted to 'lay hands' on a deacon's neck.