In God we trust

"Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for requests.
Press 2 for thanksgiving.
Press 3 for complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries."

"All the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line, and your call will be answered in the order it was received."

"If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you're on hold, press 4."

"To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, enter his or her social security number."

"For reservations at My Father's House, press the letters J-O-H-N and then 3-1-6."

"For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark is, please wait until you arrive here."

And here are some Emergency Numbers:

* When in sorrow, call John 14
* When men fail you, call Psalm 27
* If you want to be fruitful, call John 15
* When you have sinned, call Psalm 51
* When you worry, call Matthew 6:19-34
* When you are in danger, call Psalm 91
* When God seems far away, call Psalm 139
* When your faith needs stirring, call Hebrews 11
* When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23
* When you grow bitter and critical, call 1 Cor. 13
* For Paul's secret to happiness, call Col. 3:12-17
* For idea of Christianity, call 1 Cor. 5:15-19
* When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31-39
* When you want peace and rest, call Matt. 11:25-30
* When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90
* When you want Christian assurance, call Romans 8:1-30
* When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121
* When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67
* For a great opportunity, call Isaiah 55
* When you want courage for a task, call Joshua 1
* How to get along with fellowmen, call Romans 12
* When you think of investments/returns, call Mark 10
* If you are depressed, call Psalm 27
* If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37
* If you're losing confidence in people, call 1 Cor. 13
* If people seem unkind, call John 15
* If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126
* If you find the world growing small, and yourself great call Psalm 19

Emergency numbers may be dialed direct. No operator assistance is necessary. All lines are open to Heaven 24 hours a day!

The best form of spiritual exercise is to touch the floor regularly with your knees.